Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
