Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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