I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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