Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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