I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
