(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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