Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Randomize
