Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
