Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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