I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
