Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
