My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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