Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
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