I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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