Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
