I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
