Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
