i don't like sucking hair
I think my fart just growled at me.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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