I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
