Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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