We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
