worst night to have a conscience
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
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at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
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Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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