Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
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We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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