I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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