So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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