Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
