First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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