Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
