there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
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