I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
