I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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