why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
