Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
