is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
FUCK WHALES
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