I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
