When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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