I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
