I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
