Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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