My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
