I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Sacagawea was the original milf.
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i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
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bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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