I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
we should paint friendship bongs
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