What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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