If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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