The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
