Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
