YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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