So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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