They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
