He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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