i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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