Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
