Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
