So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
