A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
