I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
