you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She even gives head with a lisp.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
