How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
