idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
